Not the kind of girl you marry is now the kind of girl you marry because she's rich

When I look back on all the shame binge drinking has brought upon my life, I want to crawl under my desk. Throwing up in the backseat of someone's car or peeing on a neighbor's doorstep always left me genuinely mortified the next day. And for weeks after would wear my drunken scarlet letters like they were going out of style. Needless to say, I suffer from relative self-loathing.

Sadly, I now see these hours of agony were wasted...because this was maybe the BIGGEST missed opportunity of my life!! Thanks to one person. Ke$ha. Her songs are so mind-blowingly stupid that I've been avoiding her lowest common denominator image for the last year. But out of boredom, I recently read an article about her. The fact is, this bitch is profiteering on every horrifying binge drinking episode that I have tried so hard to bury. I guess I really squandered one of life's great cashcow opportunities. Ladies! if you're going to be a drunken whore...capitalize.

Unfortunately, my time has passed. The hangovers are just too debilitating at 28.

Emergency Grandma Death

Currently, I am formulating an emergency excuse to get out of jury duty. Here are my top three choices, in no particular order...though I do wonder that 3 shouldn't come before 1:

1) My grandma died. I'm feeling sad about it?

2) A troll is eating my leg. This is not good. I may be dead by next week.

3) My grandma died again. Am I losing my mind, thereby making me an unsuitable juror? What's next, lightning striking one time in one place, and then striking again at a different time in the same place?