Being a Hollywood player is $eriou$ bu$ine$$ (I replace the letters "s" with dollar signs because dollar signs are sweet, and also because they represent powerfulness). Aspiring to be a Hollywood player is an even more serious business. To survive in the wolfpack of hungry, snarling industry cubs, you'd better know the weekend's box office results, know your imdbPro credits, and whatever "it" is, well you'd better know about it before anyone else in your tracking group. So the fact that working in Hollywood makes me want to run wild down Wilshire, naked and screaming, is probably a bad sign. I find box office grosses, industry parties and Variety magazine violently uninteresting. By comparison, I find sea kelp, condiments and staple removers interesting.
Additionally, everytime I hear industry lingo, it sounds like someone in Hollywood is farting. And don't get me wrong - farting is a great thing because 1) it's hilarious, and 2) scatological humor is always amazing and 3) I am, like, six years old. But farting is ridiculous, and so are Hollywoodisms. Here are my favorites (that don'tmakeanysense):
Smart. As in "this is a really SMART piece." This either means you didn't enjoy the movie, but are aware that it has social/cultural/political significance, or, it means that it wasn't about a guy who is a wrestler but is also a babysitter.
X meets Y*. Semi-useful, mainly since it saves time by describing movie Z as the convergeance of movies X and Y in less than 15 seconds (I don't HAVE 5 minutes for your real opinion, you presumptuous fuck). Which therefore takes away anything original about movie Z. And also forever ruins movies X and Y. But now you don't have to see the movie! Because X meet Y sees it for you! Example: That movie is sooo "Rosemary's Baby" meets "Daddy Day Care". You instantly understand the horror felt by a woman who gives birth to Satan, but also how CUTE it feels when men who get laid off are inspired to open their own day-care center. Rosemary's Day Care, anyone?
*X meets Y can be replaced/further clarified by the classic Bones/Meat analogy. Example: It's got the bones of Rocky IV with the meat of Mean Girls. Rocky Girls IV.
Sexy. An erotic adjective made totally bizarre by describing a project, director, celebrity name, thumbtack, poopstain - basically anything anyone in Hollywood is talking about, because anything anyone in Hollywood is inherently sexy. Example: "You've got two conflicting offers for one of your clients? Now that's a sexy problem to have." or "Nicole Richie? Now there's a sexy pile o' bones."
Of it all. Now I don't even have the slightest idea what this means. But these are three words Hollywood can tack onto virtually anything, and these words add words to a sentence and make what you're saying a little bit longer. "The Martin Scorsese of it all will really lend itself to this project." In this example, I'm saying that it's a good thing that Martin Scorsese is involved in the project. "Hannah Montana's vagina of it all is enormous." In this example, I'm saying that Hannah Montana has a big vagina.
Atmospheric. This one has something to do with either everything other than a film's dialogue, or it has something to do weather conditions outside. "This actiondramedyslapstickslasher-piece is more atmospheric rather than reality-based." I mean that makes so much fucking sense.
Listen, I could go on, andonandonandon. But now I have to pee, and you get it. And you get it because you're smart.
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